blog: a cycle of life

Saturday, 31.03.2006
5:28AM

why am i not sleeping?

i haven't been sleeping early in awhile. there are just so many things to think about. yet, i couldn't seem to focus on anything. definitely not early in the morning, sleepless.

that song is still playing in my playlist. michelle branch's all you wanted. i've no idea why i suddenly like that song so much.

you know why i started a blog again? because i feel that writing a blog is the time when i could really reflect on the undeniable passage of time. that's the reason why i started this blog. you know. i've had a few different blogs in the past. yet, i feel that none of them represent me. i feel that none of them is honest. one blog is just a playful tryout. pretty lame i must say. i remembered writing it in tHIs KinD oF STylE. i was eleven then, i think. i wrote that in my native language, not english. well, i did try writing parts of it in english, but it always comes out sucky and shitty.

i kind of quitted blogging for a long while. i returned when i was in JC2. so many things has changed, yet, i couldn't bring myself to create an honest blog. one blog is simply a pretentious blog where i wrote about things like politics, philosophy and things like that, while i don't really care about this kind of thing. that blog was kind of famous in a way. i received rather high traffic, averaging at 400 and sometime reaching higher than a thosand visits a day. yet, it's not me. you know what? i attended the first bloggers' conference. in fact, i was the one who christened it with it's name, Bloggers.SG (i got a free t-shirt for that ;) thanks gabriel--he's the owner of quite a famous blog and a USP/econ student--for the t-shirt). but it was hard writing there. it wasn't me at all.

you know. after keeping that particular blog for awhile, i've decided to discard it. yes. i'm closing it. nobody read it nowadays. i don't even bother to update it anymore. only sad memories were left in that blog. in seven days, the webspace i got for that blog will expire, and that'll mark the end of it.

there's another blog. a blog that contains happy memories. but nowadays, when i read it, it just tore me apart. there's nothing happy left in that blog. no, not a single thing. that blog is over too. although this one will remain for kinda long in the internet. unless blogger goes bankrupt of course, or suddenly becomes a paid service, which i doubt.

so why another blog? i no longer have all those pretentious intentions in writing this blog. this is really what i feel daily. nothing much really. if you didn't know me, no point visiting blog every now and then. you won't understand. you need to know me to understand this blog. and yet, you probably need to read this blog to know me better. this blog is like the complement of knowing me. reading this blog alone or knowing me alone will never let you glimpse into the depth of my life. unless you know me damn well. even then, there are things that i don't share freely. my past. what's going on in my brain. my wishes.

you know, life is cruel. yes it is. yet, we live through that cruelty. we even find happiness in this cruel lives we have. i guess now i've reached the point in my life where i could freely let go of things that have been bothering me all these while. slowly but surely, i wrote these things down here. not many people will ever read this, but all these feelings i keep deep inside me will no longer be sealed to one person. and you know what? i feel lighter that way. i no longer keep so heavy a burden anymore.

i really hope that this blog will never become as pretentious as my other blogs. i promise it won't.

shit. arggghhh! stupid boy!!! i copied the dance night pictures into my friend's external harddrive from the photo chair. he said he wanted it also, so i let him copied the file over to his harddrive. you know what he did? HE MOVED THEM!!! arrrgghh! just when i wanted to see those pictures, they are gone! so crap! well, i still have that picture, so doesn't really matter. at least i have that picture. =) -relieved-

wow, it's past six already. breakfast will be served pretty soon. hey, i think i really should stop posting depressive entries here. but what to do! i'm not in exactly good mood nowadays. the only time i was happy the past couple of days were the night dance night was over, a little bit today and yesterday, and a little bit more here and there.

does time really heal wounds in your heart? yes. i believe that. otherwise, there'd be no point living anymore. and yes, i feel it too. those long-time wounds are closing up. the more recent ones are showing signs of fading away as well.

i guess i've grown up a bit since i entered university.

Q: if there is something i want to change in my life, what would it be?
A: for me stop to ask this kind of dumb question that doesn't change anything.