it's oh so down

now i've come back to reality--con't from previous post.

i can take you away from here
so lonely inside
so busy outside
and all you wanted is somebody who cares

i'm in the mood for sad songs. slam couldn't find me one this morning. but i spotted this song while he tried to find me a song. really suit my mood. i really hope that one day, a girl will do the same to me. take me away from all the things that i always do to keep myself busy, while it's not this thing that really matter to me. no. i just wanted somebody who will care for me and i her (or him, remember my 'gay' post? slam, you can be my new gay partner, afterall i just spent a night in your room!).

but seriously. i've been listening to this song over and over again as i wrote this entry. about an hour has already passed and yet. i'm still sad. a few months ago i had a girlfriend. yet i was lonely. now, too, i am. more so now than then. but it's still the same. nobody has yet able to lift that loneliness off me. a few friends here and there, yes that i do acknowledge.

oh, i feel so crappy now! sigh.

lucky i have you all. if not, i might end up like celia in that cheese dance. lonely, desolated, betrayed--to the point that she would kill herself.

slam. eysc. meyl. prbs. sy. lsng. roy. and other occassional people who come in contact with me and left your marks.

funny that my circle of friends are quite tight. all the name i mentioned above, most of them knew each other. amazing huh? kinda hope that i would have more time to spend with each one of you.

aghh! so mushy! this deserve another post of its own. i shall move this part to another post.

okay now that it has gotten a space of its own, i'm freer to write more. i have my share of ups and downs in my life. more downs than ups i have to say. i don't adapt quickly. that has been my fault for too long now. i've my pride. too much maybe. the only things i'm really good at is being lame. but i don't want to be lame. i thought to myself that it's time for me to grow up.

it is really time for me to grow up. i had a fair share of mistakes and bad decisions i had previously. i just thought about how bad i was last time. i was telling eysc and slam about myself in primary and secondary school. i remembered there were at least four girls who liked me then (at different time, of course). but the moment i knew they liked me, i shut them out of my life. just like that. i was afraid of this kind of things. weird, isn't it? i feel really bad now. i had encountered similar feelings a few times now. eysc is experiencing one right now. i now know exactly how it feels to be shutted out by someone you like. and no, i'm not in that stage now, don't worry too much about me. i was just thinking about the few crush i had in JCs. all ended up badly. shutted out from their lives and all. quite alike with what eysc is experiencing with her now. sigh. i wished i had done differently the last time. that's less four people to feel hurt.

sometime i really wish i could turn back time. i thought about it. dreamt about it. what would be different if i could turn back time. but at the end, i realised that nothing will. the grass is greener on the other side huh? so cliche. but not true really. i could dream of another reality where i'm better off then i am now. but so what? would i meet these people? would i meet slam? would i meet eysc? would i meet meyl? probably not. what would my life be without these people? is a mere popularity everything? is shitloads of friends what i really want?

i guess not.

the ideal university life i imagined i would have in JC was studying in overseas university with scholarship and all. then now, when i think about it, it's not all that bad studying in NUS. no, no, not bad at all. thanks everyone.

i wouldn't have made it here without you guys.

hmm. i'm so incoherent now. i think it's time for me to catch up with breakfast and my sleep. i shall post this before my brain starts to work well enough for me to realise that this entry is too personal and delete it before i even posted it. hope it'll be an eye-openers to those who don't know me all that well.

for those who does, i love you all!!! (and, no, not the 'gay' type of love, but a 'friend' kind of love--and maybe more! HAHAHA!)

SPECIAL MENTION:

i've decided to add this part, just to let you all feel appreciated and proud of yourself! =P

thanks to slam, for entertaining me almost 24 hours a day. for me to disturb you, there's almost no difference between morning, afternoon, evening, night and midnight. when i want to, i can disturb you (sing to the tune of Michelle Branch's All You Wanted). oh, not to mention, all the girls problem we've handled together, especially that belonging to eysc. and also all these time i spent around your room! i may as well stay in your room man (JK!!!).

thanks to eysc for teaching me DotA. naaah! just kidding, thanks for being there. i know you've your own problem. i'll try my best to help you lar. although your situation is kinda difficult now. i've a lot of headache just to think about it. never know that chasing a girl could be that complicated (actually i do know, but yours is probably one of the most complicated one). just don't give it up yet. oh, and today only you know how it feels to play with slam's dog arh? be careful, he loves his toy dog more than he does us. you could end up bloodied and dead you know?

thanks to prbs for the advices and the lameness. couldn't bear to think that next year, there'll be no you around anymore. no more insults. no more lame jokes. no more being target for you attacks. just another few weeks left with you around. sigh. i hope you could stay longer. another year perhaps?

thanks to sy. for what? for all the time we spent in our CCAs together. wow, to think that we shared three major activities in our uni life, unimaginable, isn't it? all three probably take more than 70% of our free time already.

thanks to lsng, for being that brightspark. your facial expression, your action. wow! couldn't believe somebody could be so lame and entertaining. thanks for all your assistance this far. and to think that you managed to force me to do 60 lat pulldowns (with increasing weights), 55 pushups (from 10 per set down to 1 per set) and 40 shoulder press (with decreasing weights) last night! you rock man! haha! and now i'm in pain everywhere.

thanks to roy and whatever shits you always talk about. oh, not to mention, vote for him for pageant! you bastard, share a bit of your face leh and your muscles too! =P eh, really, all the best for the pageant thingy k? i'm not one who really care about this kind of thing, but i know you do. and just for that, you have my vote. you bastard!

finally, thanks to meyl. when i said that it took me a day to remember how we met, i lied. it takes mere seconds to recall. no rational girl would allow me to screw her hair as badly as i do yours. as i was saying earlier, soft and ruffled-able. and to think that you out of all people would be the one entertaining all my bad jokes and lame things, and still watched me for my dance performance, you must be one extraordinary girl. well, don't worry, although i said it's time for me to grow up, i won't grow out of my fondness to mess with your hair. did i say that you are pretty too? (hahahaha! you should really read this! argh! must... tell... you...)

farewell. breakfast, i'm coming!