i write to fill the emptiness.

something's wrong. could you feel the emptiness in the rain? i felt really empty just now, and that's so opposite of the usual rainy day feeling i had. rain is, after all, the very life essence that feed the earth with life. look at the dessert of sahara, or the dried, broken soil of africa. deprived of that rain, the soil hardened, broken, emptied of life. grasses no longer grow tall on the soil. sheeps and cows no longer grow fat without grasses.

so why is the rain today felt empty? not just empty, it felt cold. gloomy. i was tossing and turning about on my bed, reading unbearable lightness of being. the words didn't get to my head and i finally gave it up. then i started writing. i find my solace in writing, right now. looking at my fingers moving fluently around the keyboard. it's been awhile since i write anything with my right hand. it's always been typing and typing and typing. so i've decided to start a diary. not in a blog anymore. but in a hard, real book. i've found a suitable book to write on just now. i'm done with using backspace to erase stuffs i wished i hadn't written.

back to the topic of emptiness. when i feel empty, i daydream. it's something weird, as always. since i was small, i love daydreaming. and my daydreaming are, not to say the least, weird. it started off sci-fi-like. i remembered drawing a very complicated spaceships and weapons when i was in primary school. those drawings finally left the papers and went into my heads. since then it has evolved. i remembered daydreaming about jedi before, for quite sometime.

since last year though, my daydream has revolved around one huge arc, sans jedi, sans sci-fi. it revolved around shinigamis, hollows, vaizards, arrancars. all that went wrong in my day-to-day life were summed up beautifully in a never-go-wrong story arc in that huge thing. being able to move from time to time, from world to world. it's the suitable thing to fill the emptiness.

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anyway, this blog is moving in circles. i started to feel very strongly to leave the name sunset swirl behind. move to somewhere. somewhere more comfortable. where things aren't as weird or as confusing. the wish to leave this space is reflective of my wish to leave this place. leave it forever. to the land of the daydream.

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i love. do i really? no.

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you know, the corrs used to be my topmost favourite artist. i really love their songs. so today i figured out why. their songs are irish you see. and irish to me gave the feeling of freedom. it gave the feeling of littleness. that you're just one person in this nature. i can really imagine myself running around a field, empty of all other souls but that of the birds, the trees, and the grasses. the songs, although sad at times, have the uplifting qualities in them. for example, the following song, titled love to love you. it's a really depressing song when you read the lyrics. but the song itself sounded so soothing. so lovely. it's a wonder you know. what was the purpose of this song? was it regret? was it sadness? was it emptiness? i think it's emptiness. because of emptiness, you form something to fill the emptiness. and for them, that emptiness is filled by the songs. and this is one of them. the song that fill the space of emptiness.

you see, when there is no emptiness, that means you can't accept anything new anymore. you can't form anything new. because there is nothing to fill anymore. you're content. self-actualization. now i understood the meaning of that word well. i'll be self-actualized when there is no longer emptiness in my soul. i'm content. there's nothing to fill anymore. it took my almost a semester to reconcile with this very word. i still remembered all my arguments against a possibility of self-actualization. now, all those feel stupid.

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i had wanted to write a short thing here. but as usual, it grew out of proportion. you know what? i'm selfish. i am, really.

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going with my theory of filling the emptiness, i realised why at times i blog a lot more, at others a lot less, and at yet other time, none at all. simple explanation huh? the amount i write is proportional to the amount of emptiness to be filled.

i write to fill the emptiness.

Love To Love You
The Corrs

I would love to love you like you do me
I'd love to love you like you do me
There's a pillar in my way you see
I'd love to love you like you do me

I met you on a sunny Autumn day
You instantly attracted me
When asking for the way
God if I had known the pain I'd make you feel
I would have stopped this thought of us
And turned upon my heel

(Go you should leave me)
Time make it be alright
(Go you must leave me)
Time will help you see the light
(You don't need me)
Time make it be alright
(Go you must leave me)
Believe me when I tell you

I would love to love you like you do me
I'd love to love you like you do me
There's a pillar in my way you see
I'd love to love you like you do me

You recognised my barrier to love
I know there's nothing worse
Than unrequited love,(unrequited love)
So I prayed to God that I could give the love you gave to me
But something's lying in my way, preventing it to be

(Go you should leave me)
Time make it be alright
(Go you must leave me)
Believe me when I tell you

I would love to love you like you do me
I'd love to love you like you do me
There's a pillar in my way you see
I'd love to love you like you do me
I would love to love you like you do me
I'd love to love you like you do me
There's a pillar in my way you see
I'd love to love you like you do me

Break those pillars down
Break those pillars down
Take those pillars down, down, down
Oh, take those pillars down
(Love to love you like you do me)
Break those pillars down
(Love to love you like you do me)
Oh take those pillars down
(Love to love you)
(Love to love you)
(Love to love you)
Take those pillars down
(Love to love you)

[Fade out]